Calculate where you’ll end up in the afterlife.

For those unfamiliar with the amazing show The Good Place, you may not be calculating your good and bad deeds like we are here at SGM. However, maybe you should.

In the show, Eleanor Shellstrop, played by Kristen Bell, dies in a tragic parking lot accident as she drops her Lonely Gal Margarita Mix for One, and wakes up in “The Good Place.” It is explained to Eleanor that she wound up in The Good Place because of the positive value of her actions on earth. Basically, the show suggests that every person’s actions– good or bad– are tallied up at the end of their life to determine whether they go to the “Good Place” or the “Bad Place.”

The possibilities are endless and everything is tallied:

Stiffing a waitress -6
Hugging a sad friend +8
Poison a river -4007.93
End slavery +85,978.03
Gave out full size candy bars at Halloween +697.45
Disturbed coral reef with a flipper -72
Use Facebook as a verb -5
Had a drink before 5:00 p.m. -2
Told a woman to “smile” -23
Save a drowning child +17,090

Based on a typical day, would I get into The Good Place? I embarked on a very serious and scientific journey to determine what “place” I would be assigned to.

Woke up and went to work +10
Restrained myself from flipping off the 18 drivers that cut me off on the drive +5
Bought a $5 coffee for the 5th day in a row -6
Silently cursed to myself throughout a three hour meeting -27
Bought a non-Vegan salad with extra chicken and ranch dressing for lunch -48
Texted a funny joke to a friend +75
Drank a diet soda -3
Ditched a meeting that was scheduled for the afternoon -658
Went for a walk +5
Drove to the airport +79
Got on a plane +431
Never returned +8,978

Good Place or Bad Place, I say this one is a win.

Would you make it into The Good Place?

Tally your own actions using our own very official point system below:

Get out of bed in the morning +2
Check phone as soon as you wake up -5
Text someone before 7:00 a.m. -17
Brush teeth +2
Attend to your child in need +50
Feed child +75 (+10 if you make it fresh, +20 if it’s Vegan, -15 if it’s pre-packaged)
Go for an early morning run +41
Pick up litter on your early morning run +569
Make your own coffee +10
Feed your pet +30
Clean up after your pet +55
Order pizza for breakfast +22
Eat ice cream for breakfast +11
Skip breakfast -5
Listen to an NPR podcast +6
Called in sick -11 (Only -2 if on a Monday)
Buy expensive coffee from overhyped coffee shop -15
Stop the “Pay it forward” chain at Starbucks because the Range Rover behind you orders $38 worth of coffee and food -12
Give the Barista attitude when she tries to guilt you into paying it forward -8
Tip your Barista anyway +21
Avoid holding the elevator for someone -15
Consciously walk in front of a tourist taking photos -29
Deny any wrongdoing -213
Purchase bottled water -11
Accept incoming phone call from your mom +10
Send your mom’s call to voicemail the 5 additional times she calls -230
Finish a book from The New York Times best sellers list +7
Scroll through Instagram for more than an hour -19
Curse at Instagram influencers under your breath -22
Laugh at cashier’s stupid joke over your lunch break +43
Allow your child to watch your iPhone/television in public -3
Refuse to let child watch YouTube +8
Overpay your parking meter +20
Send an email to your Grandmother +43
Clear out your email inbox +125
Respond to a reference check from a previous employee +87
Decline call from a coworker -12
Pee while talking on the phone with a friend without their knowing -13
Make dinner at home +27
Curse at your shitty carving knives and the fact that garlic is impossible to dice -7
Give up on eating healthy at home and order take out -18
Curse under your breath at the politicians on television -2 
Read your child a bedtime story +12
Skip the long pages -1
Watch Jerry Springer -67
Go to bed before midnight +10
End your day doing anything except scrolling around on your phone +5




I have to be successful because I do too much drunk online shopping.

25 Books We Recommend Right Now

Sign up to get snark, grit & wit delivered to your inbox and get our current reading list that's seriously worth your time.  

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This