You know who you are… actually, you probably don’t.

As someone with a well-documented (in my credit card statements) shopping problem, I come across many people in retail stores. Here’s a few tips for all of you lost, confused (and rude) souls.


News flash– you are not the only person in the store

I know it is hard to believe, but other people may want to access that section of merchandise you parked your gigantic shopping cart in front of. I know you’re probably not purchasing the whole Cover Girl line at Target, so let other people get to the mascara.


Get the eff off your phone 

There’s a reason stores are installing reception blockers – it’s you. I’m sure that whatever call you’re taking is super important, but it isn’t just the cashier you are annoying, it is everyone in line behind you. When you’re on your phone, you can’t pay attention to simple questions like, “would you like a bag?” and it’s obnoxious.

The fitting room is not your personal closet– pick up your shit

I don’t want to see what you tried on, I don’t want to pick up your discarded clothing, and I don’t want the next person to think I am rude enough to leave my things in the dressing room. So. Pick up your own clothes.

Don’t worry, I won’t steal the one shitty shirt you’re looking at

Believe it or not, there are enough clothes for everyone. If I really like a shirt that you are holding and there are none left, I’ll live. No need to elbow me out of the way with your passive aggressive body language.

Don’t try to return your skanky, used, deodorant-stained clothes, you asshole

Bitch, we all know that nobody sold you a dress in the condition you’re trying to return it in. We can all see your pit stains and we bet your Snapchat story can confirm the good time you had in that outfit. So please, don’t try to return it all with your nonchalant attitude. It’s just rude and more than likely, you’re going to look like an a-hole when the sales clerk tells you “no.”

Figure out what you want before you get to the front of the line

I once heard a woman in the front of the Starbucks line ask the barista for suggestions because “she wasn’t sure what she wanted to order.” I don’t think I’ve ever been more afraid for someone else’s life. Do everyone a favor, if you don’t know, stand to the side until you can figure it out yourself and THEN get in line. Starbucks also has free wifi, you can stand there as long as you want and read every review of every drink for as long as you like. As long as you’re not at the front of the line.

Your coupon isn’t working – move the eff on…

Are you really that cheap that you need to save $0.37 on that soda? If you’re that desperate for $0.37, guess what, you shouldn’t be buying a soda anyway! Save that $2 for something more valuable, like a brain.

Featured photo by on Unsplash




I have to be successful because I do too much drunk online shopping.

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