Meet SGM Contributor Robin B.

Meet Robin B., a mom of two tiny human girls aged 4 and 2 ½ who’s also a 5th grade teacher and one of our new contributors because she’s funny AF, as you’ll see when she describes one of her typical days.

We asked Robin how she manages to keep it all together (or, at least semi-together) without going completely insane and she credits the reminders on her phone.

“It’s not unusual for me to tell Siri to ‘Remind me at 7am to put my lunch in the car’ or ‘turn off the sprinklers,’” she says. “I once had a reminder pop up and the only thing it said was ‘corn!’ I still wonder about that one.”

Read on below for a day-in-the-life account of a mother and 5th grade teacher. Warning: this may want you to avoid being a mother and/or a teacher for the rest of your life.

A Day in the Life of a 5th Grade Teacher & Mom Robin B.

5:45 a.m. Alarm goes off. I consider getting out of bed to get a jump-start on the day, but quickly abandon that idea in favor of reading “the news” (Facebook).

6:00 a.m. Think to myself or sometimes say out loud depending on the day, “The president did WHAT?” (Every day since November 2016).

6:15 a.m. I get up and start getting ready. My children typically leap out of bed the second my feet hit the floor; they can always sense me. What follows is a flurry of showering, hair brushing, breakfast eating, and various protests from my children. We try to get out of the house around 7am. We rarely succeed.

7:20 a.m. Drop First Kid off at daycare.

7:30 a.m. Drop Second Kid off at a different daycare because OF COURSE they don’t go to the same one.

7:45 a.m. Arrive at work. Do various prep work/grading to get ready for students to arrive at 9:00. I get to school early to do this so I don’t have to stay too long after work. In case this is news to anyone: Teachers always work more hours than they are contracted.

9:00 a.m. MOLD THE FUTURE OF AMERICA!

12:00 p.m.. Lunch, then more molding.

3:30 p.m. Students go home. I try to pick up my classroom, and/or answer the pile of emails I have received throughout the day.

4:00 p.m. Leave work to pick up my kids. Pray that no one bit someone or was bitten by someone, or has spiked a fever, or was disrespectful to a teacher as I walk in the door to retrieve them. Admire the piles of crafts waiting for me.

4:30 p.m. Home! Give kids some sort of snack. Calm tears from children because “I want gummies” and there are no gummies to be had. Start dinner. Secretly watch Netflix on my computer in the kitchen while I cook. Periodically stop to help my girls resolve the many insults they are forced to endure, such as, “She touched my dog and she can’t BECAUSE IT IS TOO SPECIAL!” Or “Lilah speak at me!” I think she really means “Lilah was talking to me in a way I didn’t like,” but I’m not 2 ½ so I really don’t know.

5:45 p.m. My husband comes home! I toss my children to him like they are two burning coals in my hands.

6:00 p.m. Dinner! My children sob bitter tears of despair at being served yet ANOTHER nutritious homemade meal, and my husband and I scarf our food in between wiping up spills, refilling water, demanding some sort of manners be demonstrated, and trying to ask our children about their day.

6:30 p.m. Bath time for the kids. My husband is a saint and does this almost every night because it is a task that I do not like. Any time you bathe my children you risk being drowned, and he doesn’t seem to mind. We tag-team pajamas, teeth, book reading, and tucking in.

7:00 p.m. Kids go to bed. Ideally. Some nights our little one, who we call “The Hurricane,” really throws us for a loop and stages an epic protest. Complaints include “not having cold water,” “wanting to remove pants,” and “having tears in my eyes” among others.

7:01 p.m. PARTTTTY! Just kidding. I go to the gym, or CONSIDER going to the gym. Definitely one of the two.

8:00 p.m. Netflix and literal chill. This is not a euphemism; we are exhausted.

9:00/10:00 p.m. Bed. I usually listen to a podcast, or ASMR videos (look them up, so weird, but awesome to help you fall asleep).