Whoever says they look forward to Monday morning is a lying sack.

If you’re like me Sunday Funday slowly morphs into Sunday night rosé headaches, panic attacks after looking at your banking app, and then the darkest hour comes when you regretfully check work emails. The familiar feeling creeps up on us weekly and whoever says they look forward to Monday morning is a lying sack.

OR is fucking Channing Tatum.

And/or has a briefcase full of cash stashed under the bed.

In an attempt to help you cut back on the Sunday night Xanis, here are five of the best reasons we can think of to not slit your wrists today:

Painful diarrhea didn’t wake you up in the middle of the night

If you share my curse of Irritable Bowel Syndrome along with an addiction to carbs and booze, you know the consequences of a fun AF weekend.

You didn’t get a yeast infection despite being in a wet bathing suit for hours

In my early 20s I had too many yeast infections to count. Maybe because I swam a lot or maybe because I was just slutty. Gross, I know. But if you’re a woman you understand my plight. Every infection-free day is a day to celebrate!

You didn’t have to clean up dog pee (or cat pee, or baby pee… or even your own pee) this morning

When we got our dog, we tried to crate train but she was crying so badly that after an hour we let her sleep on the bed (I know this is BAD). Now she sleeps under the covers in between my husband and I (very sexy). At least we know there’s no pee-pee on the floor in the morning.

There was an accident on the freeway

You could use it as a reason for being 30-45 minutes late. And if you live in LA, there is always an accident on a freeway. So your boss will never know.

Your company has not revoked your email access… yet, anyway

Have you ever been fired before? Then you know the first sign of this is the “cannot connect to server” message that pops up when you try to check your email. If it’s still working, apparently so are you.




Contributing Writer


Snark, grit & wit delivered to your inbox.

Emails worth your time.

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This